Musicians Wanted: How NOT to Use the Classifieds

I Am Without a Doubt, the Best Guitarist Ever (Los Angeles, CA)

I’m probably the best guitarist you’ve ever heard. I have killer gear, killer image and will make any band a million times better. What I’m looking for is a band that is already doing paid gigs 2 or 3 times a week, or maybe has a good paying tour lined up. If you’re not on a label yet and don’t have a following, I’d expect you to do most if not all of the promotion stuff because honestly, I’m just too good to be bothered with that crap. If you’re doing gigs that aren’t paying very much, I don’t mind if the rest of the band takes less so I can make more; I really am worth it.

You’ll also need a place for us to rehearse and possibly for me to store my gear as I move around a lot. Not a big deal since you’ll be expected to carry my gear to and from gigs anyway, I might as well leave it at your place. It will also make it easier for you to keep my equipment maintained and put new strings on my axe after practices and gigs; I prefer GHS Boomers 10s, btw.

I usually drink a fair amount at gigs and as a result I don’t have a license or car so you’ll need to coordinate transportation for me. I prefer SUV’s or at least a large sedan, I’m just way too good a guitarist to be seen in a compact car. If you have a pickup truck, it should be a 2008 or newer and have tinted windows and maybe an extended cab. Obviously you should have at minimum a 6 disc changer and I’d honestly prefer an MP3 player so you can download my preferred songs before picking me up each time. My musical tastes change frequently so please plan on downloading a new playlist each time you come to get me.

I’m very image conscious and hope to find a band that is as well. I look really really good on stage and you should too. I prefer to wear either leather pants or a pair of 7 For All Mankind skinny jeans. I actually don’t own either yet, but as part of getting me to join your band, I’d expect an initial per diem to cover wardrobe expenses. I’d actually like two pairs of pants, one to wear to gigs and then one to wear while you’re taking my gig pants into the dry cleaners. Please don’t bother contacting me unless you’ve made these arrangements ahead of time. I know this may seem slightly unusual, but it’s totally worth it because seriously, I am such a killer player.

I’m very reliable and usually easy to get a hold of. I don’t have cell phone but if you pay for one for me, I will totally carry it with me when I remember. I also don’t have an email address, I’m borrowing a friend’s PC to post this, but if you get me a cell phone with email on it, I’ll check it at least once a week to find out when the paying gigs are. Again, I’m totally worth it because I really shred.

How good you ask? Well I don’t have anything online and no mp3’s to email you, mostly because I’ve never recorded anything because I’m just too good to be tied down long enough to record. I also feel recording limits my ability to shred. Way too many times bands are like “don’t solo over the vocals,” but that’s just stupid, especially given how good I am. In fact, I’d prefer to find a band who has a vocalist who just waits for me to finish my solo then sings a short amount before my next solo.

I’m expecting to get loads of replies to this posting because I know how many bands need a guitarist as good as I am so only replies that include the following will even be read:

– Photo of vehicle you’ll be driving me around in
– List of upcoming gigs and expected pay (mine, not yours)
– Resume of experience
– Picture of your girlfriend (I’ve gotten my last three by steeling them from other band members)

Also, it wouldn’t hurt if you sent along my first per diem amount so I can get started shopping for some new pants. I do Paypal or Postal Money Orders, sorry no personal checks.

You are so lucky to even have a chance to email a guitarist as good as me.