I don’t know what these songs prove: that people don’t pay attention to lyrics, that 80’s Power Ballads truly are forever, that there’s a thin line between sentiment and mental?
Whatever the reason, we thought it’d be fun this Valentine’s Day to compile a list of the worst love songs of all time. I asked my fellow CD Baby teammates to place their nominations and they were happy to let me know which songs drive them absolutely batty.
Here we go…
1. “Taste of My Love” by Emerson, Lake & Palmer
From the album Love Beach. The cover art says it all.
2. “He Hit Me (And It Felt like a Kiss)” by The Crystals
Just in case anyone is unsure why this one is on the list, I’ll state the obvious: this is not excusable behavior, even if you were “untrue.”
3. “Miles Away” by Winger
Apparently even Winger thinks this song is terrible, because the Official Winger YouTube channel has disabled the embedding function for the video.
4. “Love Injection” by Bang Tango
If you play “Love Injection” backwards you can hear the devil singing “catch this communicable disease.”
5. “I Used to Love Her” by Guns N’ Roses
The comedic romanticization of murdering a woman who was either 1) an unbearable nag, or 2) completely justified voicing her concerns about being in a relationship with a drug-addled narcissist.
6. “Long Way to Love” by Britny Fox
The only thing longer than the way to love is their hair. If that’s the way to love, I’m happy to stay home and lonely.
7. “Fill You Up” by Nelson
You know how when you quit smoking, doctors tell you to replace that bad habit with a healthier addiction? Well, anytime you find yourself wanting to listen to Nelson, reach for some Nilsson instead.
8. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police
People like to make a big deal about how this is actually a stalker song. Fine, fine. But what about the fact that Sting made enough money off this one track to last him a lifetime — so he was free to inflict upon us “Fields of Gold,” “Desert Rose,” and so much more.
9. “I Said I Loved You… But I Lied” by Michael Bolton
We said we hated this song. Give us a polygraph.
10. “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
What’s the antonym of “savage?”
11. “Love Stinks” by J. Geils Band
Yeah, and so does that guitar tone.
12. “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by MeatLoaf
More than 20 years later and we still don’t know what “THAT” is. 20 years later, and we still don’t care.
13. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison
Every campfire has its jackass.
14. “Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You)” by Enrique Iglesias
Another pushy dude in a club who’s clueless to the fact that there’s nothing sexier than consent.
15. “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles
Ya know, it’d be easy to poke fun at this song — but why? It’s catchy, and harmonically interesting, and a lot better than similar songs being produced by pop stars today. So there!
16. “I Wanna Kiss You All Over” by Exile
Creepy? Yes. Awesome? Yes. Despite the nomination for worst love song of all time, I’m gonna step in here and defend this one too — especially since I sing it every time I do karaoke.
17. “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt
Blunt begins this song by saying “my life is brilliant,” proving his lyrics aren’t. Also, put some clothes on; it’s snowing out!
18. “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion
Millions of music snobs around the world wish this song would’ve gone down like the Titanic, but hey, that would’ve robbed you of the opportunity to hear this syrupy number a trillion or more times. The song, like the heart, will go on and on and on and on.
19. “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer
I’ll let Family Guy speak on my behalf:
20. “_______” by ________.
Tell us what track you’d nominate for worst love song of all time. Let us know in the comments section below.
Chris Robley is an acclaimed singer-songwriter and award-winning poet from Maine.
His Beatlesque indie-pop and milltown Americana songs have been praised by The Associated Press, No Depression, KCRW, The LA Times, Boston Globe, NPR, American Songwriter, and others.
His poems have appeared in Poetry Magazine, Prairie Schooner, The Poetry Review, and more.
Robley has received a Maine Literary Award in Poetry, Boulevard’s Emerging Writers Prize for Poetry, and in 2016 was selected by former US-poet laureate Robert Pinsky as a finalist for the Dorset Prize.